8/14/2014

I got my schedule switched due to Team's routinely General Assembly and yeah, I told my boyfriend not to blog about my bottom boxes I got a while ago but I can't help brag it here. However, it became one of the reason and an inevitable circumstance that allowed me to start my blogging from the very beginning.

I'm getting a lot stress from the past few weeks now and earlier I am thinking about going out by myself from work to malling alone. But he turn the day the other way around. We are chatting using people.live at operations and I'm subconsciously chatting him about how many times I had those stupid f***** surveys I really don't like to have. EVER! And I told him how bad it made my day that time. Tough shift but strongly faced and got 7 surveys altogether that could've been better if they were all TB IR.

Well, my day have gotten better when he asked me out for a movie date. And I cannot contain my happiness. He really knows how to make me happy and that's his thing perhaps. I ended the shift normally as it always been, I went out of the building as exact as I can but I had long chat and its totally okay to think that the ride will not take for 1 hour anyway cause I'm currently on shaw and we'll be meeting at Tri and it's too way close. (for me)

I love small talks I love talking about ourselves. I love everything that he says and he couldn't see that. His paranoia are one of the scariest thing I'm afraid that he can't keep doing and I wonder how I can change it cause on most case scenarios I like him being too paranoid to lose me and that's way too ironic indeed.

He bought 2 tickets for What If movie starring Daniel and Zoe. The movie I much long awaited cause it somehow retold my love story with my ex and my current slash last boyfriend slash my handsome future husband.

It's typically a lovestory with happy ending affair for Chantry and Wallace that gave me enough reason to hold on to the love I really want to have rather than sticking to a person who doesn't see my worth. Although this is really risky to take for the both parties, getting confused while on the run, falling out of love to fall in again, happiness versus satisfaction and can either be choosing the best guy.

The ending was just superb and I really can't thank the Director's amazing idea for the story to end that way. It was like the Director knew what I've been through and that he made it possible for a  5 years relationship be defeated by a friendly secret lover that most likely last longer. And yeah, they got married in the end.

Best day ever.

Thank you for making my day.
You look handsome in your formal attire by the way.

I love you everyday. Always have. Always will.

What I truly meant after all

Please understand that I want you.
You and your ten-second phone calls in silence. Our exhales ultimately becoming echoes
inside our lungs. I wonder if mountains become jealous of this closeness from a distance only the clouds can measure. Some airplanes must have felt the vibrations of our voice boxes like match sticks rubbed on any surface,
we feel each other’s fingers from places we will never belong to. I am here and you are
becoming part of the ocean and I am always a shoreline. All I know is this is me saying “I love you” This is me waiting for you to just come home to me. Even if it takes the ocean to understand how badly I want you to be mine.

FATE

"You gave me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."

You have me at my worst time of my life standing firmly enough to take me away. You trail me from him, choosing you perfectly and makes me believe that there's still happy ending waiting for me and we will make it happen.

You don't have to save me. Just hold my hand while I save myself.

I love you and I know how imperceptible it is. Seemingly untrue, sounding like sputtering when it's all fact deep inside. I am drown with so much words to say and it will be very impossible that we will come to in disgusting surfeit after decades together.

When a female is used to getting hurt, she won't know how it feels when a man starts to appreciate her, so she ends up pushing him away.

Whenever you feel like I'm pushing you away, don't bother. I just need someone to listen, hug me tight when I am about to explode. Kiss me on the forehead and love me like it's the end of the world. You know how scared I am right now. I know how my attitude sucks for real and it's not something you'll need to worry. I love you more than I have loved anyone else. Just blame it to the hormones.

We don't get to pick who we fall in love with, and it doesn't happen like it should.

It's fate. We're soul mates.. Friends of friends. Lovers. And see? It's all worth it. We did not learn to choose whom we want to stay with forever. We learned to follow our hearts from what's been said and allow our minds to sense.

What About My Future Next Boyfriend?

He's not like the boy's next door. But he said he was a dancer.

How did we started?

It was our second day of CCT with gorgeous Dhanbeth as our Trainer when I first met him. He introduces himself and I haven't got his name but I am very sure he said he's studying at FEU and my friend Jhen happens to study at the same school that was being told.

We have a group activity that day and he happens to be one of my groupmate. I transformed myself to being coyly little girl who faves to wear floral dress. But I tried to be as friendly as I can. That time, I was preoccupied with the topic of the game and what interest me most was the spelling bee time. I was trying to make friends with Kuya Paulo and Kuya Benj HAHA but I can't keep the conversation with them. Since Meridith was the only girl I can talk to comfortably, I talk to her, just her. 

Until one time, he talked to me. I really felt he wanted to be friends with anyone not just me. I considered himself as an approachable-cute-guy-who-studies-same-school-with-my-friend.

This time was the admiration-that-impressed-me-the-first-time-evah! There was this activity with Ritz as our second Trainer for NTP which was the "how fast you can sign in to Xbox?" I really worked hard to search on the steps in VKB, xbox website even in forums and I just thought I found it but I trusted Kuya Pao that he can do it even though we're not sure about the steps. Expectedly, we failed. But this guy really impressed me. I don't know how. Maybe because competitions are big deal to me.

After that was the Central day with wave 27 celebrating our first pay-out/Drexel's birthday. 

At the latter part of the drinking session with them, I felt drowsy. I don't really feel good. So I decided to just sit all time that time. And then he sat beside me. He asked me if I was okay, I answered him Yes Im okay when Im not. Then he opened the topic about me and my boyfriend. He's advising me of things and things and yada yada. Up until we got to the bus. How cute when he's telling me things, same things over and over again and I assume this guy has something on me. That's just what I thought.

The next day, I teased him being so wasted that night. I noticed his friend grimace as I teased him and gave me a very very confusing grimace ever.

Chat cert day one. He asked me to add him at Skype so we can practice Chat cert. I knew that it's one of his strategies and yes I'm right. I was just laughing with the whole chat that we had. I think that my confusions are being answered but not yet.

This time was the Gilligan's drinking session with them. I was sick that time but I refuse to go home early. Instead, I went with them to drink. I was some kind of bored, I haven't finished drinking my first bottle. Still that day went good when he bought me dozen of doughnuts from Cello's which he faves the most.

It all started with the doughnuts.

The next day that we've been together was when we had this drinking slash killing session bonding with friends at Poleng's house. This was also my BrokenHeartedDepressedStageIJustWantToDrinkItAway night. All of a sudden he gave me 3 pieces of chocolates which I knew the idea was. As I have cried it all when my plan was to keep it, I knew he was helping me out to feel at least any good and I like the fact that he was the first person who hugged me to make me feel I am never alone means a lot to me. It's prolly 10pm when we decided to go home. And it was the night of our first holding hands while walking HAHAHA

As time goes by, I think he thought of it as taking it seriously (as far as I know) He often fetches me home nowadays. But there's still things that keeps us bothering and problems will always be there running towards us. Nevertheless, he didn't gave up on me.

The truth is, behind all the things that happened to me just these days has passed, I'm quite sure that I am starting to fall in love with this guy. I know its very wrong to be in love this early to someone else after being broken to my almost 4 year ex boyfriend but this feeling is real I choose to  stay with as long as my life does.

It was a suicidal to take on risks to open my heart to someone I never knew. 

It was just too perfect, I don't want to lose.

In time, everything will be alright. Everything will be okay.

The Summer To Forget

"How could you love someone so much and not know how?" -Taxi Driver (If Only, 2004)

A disastrous month of May to endure and it happens to be our Streamline at work. But I still dare to go to work, to do what it takes with a stressed and depressed me. I am so pained, so much I just want to die.

I, I cannot bear the hurt. I cannot bear to live.

I love him so much more than he ever knew, more than the words I spoke, more than the actions I showed and he will never ever understand the pain I will get through if I still choose to stay to this long-time-fading-love-almost-four-years-bittersweet-relationship.

It wasn't the first time. It was more than 10 times to estimate when I cried with my college friends about this, about me being very weak and how I've gone so selfish to put on hopes and imperfect romances to this dying terminal-stage of love that we once have.

He gave me so much reasons to decide to walk away after the time he walked out that morning before my shift and the worse part is that I'm getting used to it. That's what hurts me most.

I've tried to stick with my decision for whatever reason I just don't know and I understand how upset and I felt that sudden shock that made me burst into tears of sadness whenever I try to end this fucking love-thing up.

What do love really means to all of us?

He told me he didn't flirt anyone. He's been faithful to me through the years and I am actually aware of it. But love is too vague to define.

I'm just a typical girl who fights with their boyfriend about little things and I'm starting to get sorry for my mood swings I just can't control. Yes, my confusions are totally annoying but that's just how I love.

I've been too strong to endure this painful years with him. I've been fed up with disappointments and I'm very much screwed up. My life has been a total mess. I'm totally depressed and no one knows about how I feel, about what's real to what I feel and what's sad is that I can't tell it to Mom.

They don't know how much I cried everyday at night. They don't know how many gallons of tears has my lacrimal ducts produced each day. I feel like dying than those with stage 4 terminally-ill, grandmothers in hospice and people in ERs. How dare him make me feel like I'm so much wasted like I'm so much used but still loves him. How dare him!!!

All my life, I wish to find that one guy who can turn around things for me.

But none of them worked.

I'm such a pathetic girl.

Nevertheless, I'm still hoping that one day he will come to me, he will asks my name and make me smile like I've always been when I was young.

I'm still hoping that love still has its magic and that FOREVER STILL EXISTS.

Why do men CHEAT?

"Why do men cheat?" is quite an understatement.

I woke up today and reread a status of my amazing wave mate that was related to their controversial talk during our shift last night. And this girl's prodigy is to ask a lot of question which is (let's face reality) "nonsense" (but seems too senseful to her though). Extricating the fact though, there's no way but join the kid's fun.

I replied via comment on her facebook and let my genius words touch her. I came to a point, realizing about my "whys" popping up my mindset that she's indulging herself on a girl-and-boy-kind-of-debate which were all about "Why do men cheat?" and she happens to have a boyfriend.

It was proven, according to my professor of my last semester in OLFU that men have the highest statistics on suicide tendencies because they have weaker coping up of such and certain situations. They have poor mindset of stress-releasing techniques. They don't want the theory of grief, crying about the loss and a lot more that girls do. And yes, at some point its the nature's perception that is not a big deal for men to cheat and give their sacred moments to everybody like its nothing and its the other way around applies to all girls.

I am indeed happy that I am the first serious girlfriend of my beloved boyfriend. I won't let him indulge himself to purposelessly cheat on me.

Night of thoughts

I am always stoked at the middle of the night, laying in bed, overthinking of unnecessary surreal thoughts at an estimated time between 12am-2am/3am which is quite about myself (Of course). I pretty much love dreaming of my future and it brings me to nightmare at the same time. I hate dark. I hate 6pm-6am. I think,  i sort of having a disorder like phobias of the dark. The feeling of the panicking heartbeat when its dark already that i just hate a bunch!!  Quite an understatement.

Let us talk about a duck. I mean, my upcoming date on saturday which my heart flutters a lot. Cause i am starting to get bored and i really need to catch up fresh air sometimes, I need to get permitted on that day. I just wish i could have a power to convince someone.
(And a duck has something to do with it.. if you know the myth)

Mom will be home a minute now. And we'll sleep altogether again. And my mind will go insane just like the other night and the night that i won't be able to catch zzzzz until 3am. That's scary when I talk about 3am Huhuhuhu!!!

Currently, im on bed now with my 2 pillows and my favorite comforter. Aircondition was on already. Giving me a good ambiance to my good flow of thoughts today. Im using blogaway btw. Tried this many times. You must dare have it on your ios and android too.

Call it a day
Till next blog..

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