The Summer To Forget

"How could you love someone so much and not know how?" -Taxi Driver (If Only, 2004)

A disastrous month of May to endure and it happens to be our Streamline at work. But I still dare to go to work, to do what it takes with a stressed and depressed me. I am so pained, so much I just want to die.

I, I cannot bear the hurt. I cannot bear to live.

I love him so much more than he ever knew, more than the words I spoke, more than the actions I showed and he will never ever understand the pain I will get through if I still choose to stay to this long-time-fading-love-almost-four-years-bittersweet-relationship.

It wasn't the first time. It was more than 10 times to estimate when I cried with my college friends about this, about me being very weak and how I've gone so selfish to put on hopes and imperfect romances to this dying terminal-stage of love that we once have.

He gave me so much reasons to decide to walk away after the time he walked out that morning before my shift and the worse part is that I'm getting used to it. That's what hurts me most.

I've tried to stick with my decision for whatever reason I just don't know and I understand how upset and I felt that sudden shock that made me burst into tears of sadness whenever I try to end this fucking love-thing up.

What do love really means to all of us?

He told me he didn't flirt anyone. He's been faithful to me through the years and I am actually aware of it. But love is too vague to define.

I'm just a typical girl who fights with their boyfriend about little things and I'm starting to get sorry for my mood swings I just can't control. Yes, my confusions are totally annoying but that's just how I love.

I've been too strong to endure this painful years with him. I've been fed up with disappointments and I'm very much screwed up. My life has been a total mess. I'm totally depressed and no one knows about how I feel, about what's real to what I feel and what's sad is that I can't tell it to Mom.

They don't know how much I cried everyday at night. They don't know how many gallons of tears has my lacrimal ducts produced each day. I feel like dying than those with stage 4 terminally-ill, grandmothers in hospice and people in ERs. How dare him make me feel like I'm so much wasted like I'm so much used but still loves him. How dare him!!!

All my life, I wish to find that one guy who can turn around things for me.

But none of them worked.

I'm such a pathetic girl.

Nevertheless, I'm still hoping that one day he will come to me, he will asks my name and make me smile like I've always been when I was young.

I'm still hoping that love still has its magic and that FOREVER STILL EXISTS.