Not like the movies

March 13, 2014, Thursday.

 Stoked for doing a blog from different thoughts and surreal kind of feelings that burst out abruptly since yesterday. The heavy feels from chest and a slit through my throat that makes it hard for me to breath and talk, explaining why I'm getting hurt and he was like "so what?". Too painful to open my ears to take his side, to take myself on risk, hearing answers when I know it would hurt me with the same shit, same old shit.

I'm suffering from deafness, narrowed head, close heart and sadness. My life is at risk from unhealthy stress to fcking palpitations and fears that eats me everyday. I struggle most of my time to take the conquest of the losing battle of me and myself.

I am depressed but I learned the best. To accept and to let go that nothing's perfect, no one's perfect, and missing someone will stay as a bittersweet memoir of the past.

He is different.

I gave him happiness while I gave him suicide in return. Breaking his heart from then and there, making everything as a big deal out of my stupidness. I hate myself regretting from time to time, making him sorry for my immense insanity, from being too OA to everything he does.

"Our relationship is 99% sadness, 1% happiness. Sana may mabago pa. Huwag mo sanang isipin na ikaw lang nakakaramdam. Naappreciate ko na lumalaban ka para sa ating dalawa, pero kung hindi ka naman masaya sa huli, siguro ako talaga yung may problema. Babe sorry for everything. Kung hindi ko magawa lahat ng gusto mo. Alam ko di na ako ang gusto mo. babe wag na nating pahirapan ang isa't isa. Kung may gusto kang gawin, gawin mo na. Huwag kang matakot at manghinayang satin kung yun talaga magpapasaya sayo."

I was hurt more knowing that he is hurt. I want to blame myself for hurting him. He doesn't deserve me. I was in hiatus of my dream when I received that text message from last night. I felt pain.

To P:

I want you to have my sincerest sorry everyday to heal you and your heart. To take away the pain I've caused you. I want you to feel my love. My purest love of mine for it was made only for you. As I break the hindrance of my close mind and narrowed heart, I am opening my new heart and mind to you my love for a brand new start. Give me enough time to make everything right. Just let me love you again and I will give you your deserve happiness for the rest our lives together. I still believe in forever and I hope you still do. I love you always forever and ever.